allisfullofbill

s p a s i

di spasi ini di antara jarak jeda yang timbul tenggelam makna kosong terlahir kembali aksara-aksara bertebaran titik-titik berguguran meredakan yang sementara memanggil yang abadi di antara langit bumi di antara manusia tuhan berbaur menyatu campur aduk tanpa sekat tanpa garis batas tanpa apapun di spasi ini hanya syahwat menyentuh di antara cumbuan malaikat di antara mata mengadah menyaksikan sebuah genesis berupa awalan riwayat melahirkan generasi perbarui tirani yang telah usang yang sudah kering gairah yang sudah lawas kehabisan hasrat menguras moral dilibas norma yang sudah siap mati di spasi ini di tempat ini di ruangan ini takdir terjerembab tak sadarkan diri diselimuti ekstasi lekat di antara urat nadi menjerit di antara kejutan tiap fusi setiap benturan kilatan setiap dentuman bunyi gaduh terus memekik setiap emosi berseteru membela apa yang benar di antara mana yang salah mana yang benar di spasi ini jawaban berlalu mempertanyakan janji menagih tenggat untuk menghabisi sakitmu dengan selosong peluru di antara pelipis kepalamu menyapa timah panas dingin badanmu memompa darahmu di antara gejolak adrenalinmu memicu halusinasimu mendambakan kemerdekaanmu merindukan kebebasanmu di spasi ini kehampaan penuhi ruangan sempit ini seperti phobia terselubung menyembunyikan euforia yang tersesat di jalan mereka-reka distopia yang kehilangan arah mengelu-elukan sang fasik kemudian meronta-ronta bimbang di antara realita yang kian mengaburkan yang nyata menjadi yang fiksi menggantikan yang ngawur menguburkan kebenaran yang kian tumpul lalu terkikis menuntun setiap insan menikam rabun di antara pucuk kalimat ucapan kebohongan diperdaya kejujuran terkulai tak sanggup berdiri lagi di spasi ini di ruangan ini di antara warna-warni menorehkan lika-liku dimensi yang sarat visi misi lagu cinta selamanya mengiringi lirih membelenggu setiap lirik menaungi impuls yang pupus terlampau beku tak punya tujuan tak sistematis tak ada struktur tak mampu menahan luapan sukacita rasa gamang meledak di antara kisruh konstruksi penuh motif ekstraterestrial overdosis surgawi di otakmu di kedua matamu di batang hidungmu di simpul senyummu di dekapan tanganmu di asam lambungmu di denyut jantungmu di lubuk hatimu di setiap organmu di setiap nyawamu di setiap hidup matimu di spasi ini di antara jarak jeda yang timbul tenggelam makna kosong terlahir kembali 

Your Beautiful Names

This is the end of a small sanctuary
Where blank pages start falling from the sun
And everybody starts learning to sing about Norwegian fjord

He’s got a writer’s block and no place to hide
While she never stops looking at the aurora. Trying to seek a reason in the sea of love.

He embraces the beginning. She summarizes the end.
He sees pages filled with endless anagoge striking the chord in his heart
She sees candlelit oak trees on the outskirts of every sidewalk
Welcoming the godforsaken raisonneur to reveal the story

Like a music box
Like ennui named after themselves
Like an enchantment resembling an apathy
A kernel of fiction telling secret identities of these characters
About their origins. About their anniversaries. About their uncertainties.
About them being a bleeder. About them being upside down.

They’re promised a colosseum
As two planets coming into one
They’ll read their favorite poem
Until the end “Darby and Joan”

Your beautiful names
How truthful are there?

He tries to write them
She tries to read them
He tries to elaborate them
She tries to perceive them
He tries to accentuate them
She tries to apprehend them
He tries to dismantle them
She tries to acknowledge them

But how truthful are there?

What’s there still unclear
Light dispersing as it travels through
Twice the speed of any celestial objects
Beyond any apparent magnitude measured by any other gods

What’s there still infinite
Sequences of drone breaking the solitude
The most strident momentum in the constellation
With cluster of phantasmal voices dismissing the vox populi

How truthful are there?

Backspace to Enter

I’m going into that tunnel
I want to remember this restless night as forever
I want to keep this sleepless mind as a full-time being
I want to cherish this deprivation for me to always remember
And I want to live this demise I could barely forget in the morning

I am in lacuna
It is composed
It is a part of me
And then it is left erased

My stream of bliss
I’ll kiss you there

I’m getting in that train
I need to forget this peaceful day as ephemeral
I need to leave this faithful body as a non-stop fight
I need to dismiss this retribution for me to keep in burial
And I need to kill this entity I could barely remember at night

I am in lacuna
It is torn down
It is apart from me
And then it sleeps in oblivion

My piece of mind
I’ll find you there

Trauma

Asap rokokku terus mengepul

Ketika langit-langit penuh dengan lautan aurora
Di sini saat kau mulai mengiringiku terbang lepas di angkasa
Memercikkan tiap nuansa hangat di antara kita berdua
Layak percikan citra afeksimu yang setia membara
Di tengah gelapnya bilik tempat kita bersenggama

Asap rokokku terus mengambang

Ketika matahari masih tertidur di liang malam
Di sini saat kau mulai membuatku terlahir lagi dari delirium
Mengecupkan tiap momen sejuk, merindukan yang diam
Layak kecupan senandung cintamu yang kau sulam
Di tengah merdunya desah kita tanpa masa silam

Asap rokokku terus memudar

Ketika hari esok datang menggantikan hari itu
Di sini saat kau mulai menjauh perlahan dari dekap kerinduanku
Menyisakan tiap hawa segar yang tak ingin berhenti berseru
Layak sisa-sisa aroma asmaramu yang tak pernah beku
Di tengah harumnya kuasa gairah kita tanpa ragu

Asap rokokku terus mengalir

Ketika kenangan buruk silih berganti datang di kepala
Di sini saat kau mulai merangkai kata-kata menyiratkan trauma
Melahirkan tiap suasana pelu tapi tak keberatan kau dera
Layak lahirnya sentuhanmu yang penuh rasa manja
Di tengah lembutnya aura tubuh kita bersahaja

Asap rokokku terus membumbung

Ketika segepok kisah bermunculan pada tiap fajar
Di sini saat aku belajar mencumbumu dengan hasrat yang berpijar
Memaafkan tiap masa perih walau menyisakan sedikit memar
Layak permintaan maafku untuk setiap rasa yang tak wajar
Di tengah nikmatnya cita rasa kita yang begitu jujur

Asap rokokku terus mengepul

Ketika langit-langit dipenuhi lagi oleh aurora terhebat
Di sini saat aku belajar mengiringimu berlari bebas dari cengkraman kodrat
Memercikkan tiap harapan yang kuharap membuatmu bergidik hangat
Layak percikkan harapanku pada cintamu yang tak kenal rasa takut
Di tengah terangnya harapan, Tuhan begitu jelas terlihat

Asap rokokku terus mengepul

Awi Ngarambat

How is it like to be under your skin?
When you’re creeping up
Crawling all over my body
Taming me naked
How is it like?

How is it like to be so delicate?
To hold your brushy wings
And draw divine curves
Make this world cease turning
How is it like?

How is it like to be a phantom?
Waking up with floral patterns
Scarlet carson, orchid, and edelweiss
Singing a constant melody of liberty
How is it like?

How is it like to be in a dream?
With sigh, swoon and imagination
You write to me a letter of fiction
A tale of lies which tells the truth
How is it like?

How is it like?
To dance upon a little star
Or to fall like a shooting star
How was it like?

How was it like to feel beauty?
To make a wish before you sleep
To close your eyes in your bed
How was it like?

How was it like to feel free?
To taste your kiss
Your touch
And your air
How was it like?

How was it like to feel alive?
To wear your soul with mine
To stick together
To sleep together
To be together
To be with you
To be you
How is it like?

Dear Sweetness Keeper

Reading your orange story
It keeps me going
It keeps the dew coming
It warms the tea in the morning

Under this delicate tree
You sing very nice
You bake delicious pies
You make life plenty with surprise

As the dawn turns out lovely
Sweet dreams come true
Sweet ideas are fond of hue
The sweetness out of a sugarcube

Thank you for wishing us happy
Dear daydream maker
Dear sweetness keeper
Ever missing you, dear bliss bearer

Dia, Cinta, & Tuhan

Dia bipolar
Dia ada dari jarak hingga waktu
Dia ada dari jelas hingga bias
Dia ada di bawah
Dia ada di atas
Dia di bawah menggali liang kosong
Sedangkan Dia di atas bercinta dengan awan
Dia di bawah hanya bisa berbaring dan memandang
Persepsi Dia di atas dijamah gerimis manik-manik kaleidoskop
Dia di bawah hanya bisa terdiam mendengarkan
Degup dan desah Dia di atas diiringi paduan lantun anunsiasi
Dia di bawah hanya bisa mempersilahkan
Penciuman Dia di atas dibuai wangi bunga chamomile

Ini semua bisa saja karena Cinta
Dia sampai mau kehilangan akal sehat
Orang-orang pada kehilangan akal sehat
Tergila-gila hingga menulis puisi tentangnya
Terlena hingga menyenandungkan lagu kepadanya
Tapi Cinta tidak pernah menulis puisi tentang orang-orang
Apalagi sampai menyenandungkan lagu ke orang-orang
Cinta juga tidak pernah sepenuhnya paham kisah Dia
Suara-suara yang tersembunyi di dalam mulut Dia
Rintihan yang bergema keluar dari mulut Dia
Lirih dan perih yang terus memanggil Dia
Datang satu per satu ke kuping Dia
Salip menyalip ke kuping Dia
Main rebutan ke kuping Dia
Terus mengabaikan Dia
Tak peduli akan Dia
Terlantarnya Dia
Remuknya Dia
Getirnya Dia
Kejinya Dia
Ibanya Dia
Tanya Dia
Siapa Dia
Apa Dia
Itu Dia
Dia
 
 
 
 

TUHAN!

Tuhan?
Ke mana Dia?
Ke mana perginya?
Dia sudah mencarinya ke mana-mana
Tapi Dia tidak pernah ada di mana-mana
Yang ada hanya Dia, Cinta,
dan Tuhan yang hilang entah ke mana

The Good, the Bad, and the Ones Who Stay for Happiness

I think we’re trapped
Stuck inside this glowing cubicle
Where it radiates upon our fate
Boredom with such dim and grim particles

why do you choose to stay?
don’t you want to come out and play?

Let’s find an exit to escape
Burn this static romance and demands
And walk out distant miles from here
To where we can get real bruises and broken bones

sunshine will light the bay
set this place on fire today

Now do you hear that?
The quiet drumroll on our rooftop?
The welcoming sound that they are here?
Those are the aliens if you ask me who

they will give us a way
to spread the arms and drift away

I think they’re drizzling outside
From the sky above so high
Beyond time and space of outer dimension
It’s time for them to take us away

away by cosmic rays
out of this place we’ll be okay

Let’s be nice and greet them
By making a close interaction
An overwhelming communication
Of how to be a lively and friendly human

not a man made of gray
but gold mine hidden in the clay

We hold their pouring little hands
Embrace their recurring shower of touches
Look in their melancholic turquoise eyes
Inseminate their hollow souls with our smiles

reproduce if we may
so we’ll never ever decay

Like shooting stars in our eyes
Happiness is when we lean our heads back
Amazed at how wonders fall down from the sky
Washing down the black fog to unveil the indulgence

where we choose to stay
for we seek happiness everyday

But where are you?
I thought you were here with me
In fact you’ve been standing there
Staring outside with catatonic sadness
All this time in that burning cubicle of yours

why do you choose to stay?
don’t die as I never fade away

Synthetic water that sprinkles
Will fail to set off that flame
It’ll blaze the view
Illuminate the sky
Ignite the universe
Set fireworks on heaven
Until all there is to see
Are your own ashes and debris
Making their way up

but you choose to stay
for you seem happy anyway

Yet I imagine you could be happier
No matter what kind of happiness
We might find and could think of
If you choose to stay with me
Right here and now

still you choose to stay
for you are happy anyway

And I imagine you are happier
No matter what kind of happiness
We might find and could think of
Because you choose to stay
Right then and there

and you finally stay
to find happiness everyday

Day and April, the 4th

Sometimes
I just want to stay in bed and never wake up
Feel absolutely nothing but complete numb
Never dream about ever wanting to come back
Just keep swimming around where it’s supposed to be far

I’m really looking for a nice game over
Meeting you is like hide and seek in the clover
To stay inside the nucleus of a Trifolium repens forever

It climbs
Over my walls uptilting the eyes to never look up
Since there is life only created for a few some
Not a newborn who isn’t made for its tragic prank
Or a doll inside a doll inside a doll of matryoshka so similar

I’ll eat you alive and devour your heart
As inside me you won’t be afraid of the dark
An anniversary of melancholia, boredom and wonderful arts

It rhymes
As I stand before the mirror with a divine make-up
Looking over the cliff ready to make the jump
Free falling into the fridge for a midnight snack
So distant and deep to find nothing but an empty jar

I do hope I am going to reach the bottom
And by the time I meet yours truly chromosome,
The universe speaks, “April fools Day as their loves blossom!”

When It Comes So Clear

Another answer
Another loss
Another night
Another ending
Another beginning
Another story
Another me

Until there is no other

No other answer
No other loss
No other night
No other ending
No other beginning
No other story
No other me

And then it opens to me
When it comes so clear

A clear answer
A clear loss
A clear night
A clear ending
A clear beginning
A clear story
A clear me

Now it comes so clear
Until there is no other